Keeping Love Alive – One Country at at Time

My head snapped around when I heard  Tim say, “If you’re going to live in a 500 square foot apartment in a country where you can’t speak the language, you’d better really like the person you’re with.” The woman seated next to him at the dinner party giggled.

Could we go from a 2000 S/F house with a refrigerator the size of a Volkswagen to live in a place like this?
Could we go from a 2000 S/F house with a refrigerator the size of a Volkswagen to live in a place like this?

When we retired and sold our California home in 2011, ditching most of our belongings and setting off with two 32-inch rolling duffels to live internationally, we meticulously tended to the details: insurance, finances, inoculations, and, of course, careful travel planning. We anticipated the emotional turmoil leaving our four daughters and their families behind for much of each year would cause, but we were so focused on the excitement of our new lives that we never really spoke about the risk we could be taking with our relationship.

Maintaining a happy marriage was easy enough in a stable environment, one in which we enjoyed the diversion of friends, community involvement, and some kind of personal private space – a den, an office, even a taking a moment alone at a desk in a spare room. Figuring out new relationship guidelines was going to be as much of a challenge as learning to pack light for nine months and several climate changes. Facing years of constant togetherness in a series of rentals, some no bigger than an igloo, would we be stretching the seams of our tightly woven cocoon too far?

Party
Our first romance.

Our first romance, when we were in our thirties, had failed because we were each still seeking maturity in ways that weren’t compatible. Thirty-five years later when we met again, my late husband was succumbing to Alzheimer’s Disease and Tim’s marriage was ending. We instantly knew that life had given us another chance at happiness, and we had to make every second count.

moustache
Back in the day.

We each brought many years of marital experience to the table, experience that taught us to control hot-tempered impulses, put the others’ feelings first, and cherish every moment we had together. Since we had missed the difficult years, we had not wounded one another in the inevitable conflicts long-married couples experience; child-rearing, career problems, money conflicts, infidelities, mid-life crises, and all other opportunities to inflict irreparable harm to each other. A late in life marriage made it easier for us to behave with patience, courtesy and kindness because we were not haunted by old tapes or scabs from previous wounds. We were so compatible that our four daughters and some of our friends called us the “cult of two.” But could our cult withstand a life of derring-do for grown-ups, adrift in the world?

After all, despite our newfound compatibility, life on the go magnifies our differences. Tim is a more meticulous, persistent person than I, so he assumed the role of travel planner, a mantle that can become an anvil when things go wrong. Discovering that our charming apartment in a quaint French village featured a treacherous 15th-century, four-story spiral stone staircase but no elevator; living in Florence’s summer heat without air conditioning, a feat almost impossible for normal mortals; or making an eighteen-day transatlantic crossing on a ship so decrepit that it was headed for dry dock were situations that sorely tested our accustomed courtesy and patience with each other. Knowing that we wouldn’t be going “home” to regroup, but would continue on the road for the foreseeable future complicated our emotional reactions to adversity. Resisting the urge to snap and blame sometimes required supreme self-control on both our parts and led us to establish one of our cardinal rules for our relationship-on-the-road: She who does not make the plan may not complain about the outcome.

We discovered early on that one key to our happiness is spelling each other from the things we hate to do, especially on the road where every chore seems more involved.  Language barriers, local customs, and not knowing exactly where to find what one needs in a strange city can take a toll on a relationship. Queuing up to pay at a cash register is agony for Tim, so he stands outside the store watching the sidewalk parade in Paris while I cope inside with Madame as she weighs the rutabagas; I despise laundry, so since most European places do not furnish clothes dryers as we know them, he’s in charge of draping our damp undies over every available surface. The list of courtesies is long, and the patterns we have developed cut way back on the time and energy we could waste negotiating. We would rather enjoy our surroundings than bicker about who’s in charge of what chore. In our new nomadic lifestyle, showing love is less about passion and more about patience.

laundry
The laundress on a steaming hot day in Italy. What a man.

There seems to be a prevailing notion that travel offers a romantic panacea to a relationship, but the truth is that sharing close quarters, sometimes challenging circumstances, and lacking the buffer of a daily routine can be trying. We work hard at controlling our tempers and supporting each other! For instance, once we’ve developed a plan, I don my cheerleader outfit, knowing we’re committed in more ways than one. Mad romance isn’t much use when you’re wading through water up to your knees in the dark, sodden map in tatters, rain dripping down the back of your neck, lost in a pounding Istanbul storm with no taxis in sight. True love is summoning the civility to say, “Don’t worry, sweetie, I know you’ll figure it out,” so your partner doesn’t feel even worse about having led you into such a dicey, soggy experience.

One warm summer day in Istanbul, early in our travels, I picked up my purse, closed the door, and walked out of our tiny apartment to join Tim as he stood on our fourth story terrace admiring the magnificent Blue Mosque. We were on our way to lunch. “You DO have the key, don’t you?” he said, alarm in his voice.

“I assumed you were ready to leave since you came out here,” I replied, hurrying over to try the door. Of course it was locked tight. The tiny bit of shade on the terrace was already shrinking as the sun soared higher; we had no water, and no way to get down.

istan
The spectacular view from our famous terrace in Istanbul. The furniture was two cracked plastic chairs, but who cared?

I began to apologize as I fumbled in my purse, looking for my phone to email our landlord about our predicament. Tim skipped the opportunity for blame and waved away my apologies. “Sweetie, relax. This could have happened to anyone. We’ll get it straightened out. He’ll send someone to help,” he said as the sun hit its highest point.
After our landlord rescued us, we went inside for a drink of water before striking out again. I was still in mid-apology for the tenth time when Tim said, “I don’t believe it!”

“What’s up?” I asked. I turned around to see him grimacing as he dangled the key in front of him.

“Guess what was in my pocket all the time?” he said sheepishly.

I laughed. “I guess you’re really glad you were so nice to me out there!”Off we went to lunch, this time with the key firmly planted in my purse.

Laughing is definitely a key ingredient in our wandering life.   Tim cracks me up every single day, and my greatest joy is surprising him with a smart remark or a quick retort.  We are each others’ best audiences!

Whether you’re living in an igloo or a mansion, patience, kindness and laughter are the key ingredients to a love that works. Whether we’re averting a disastrous mistake or reveling in a perfect experience, every day we are together is a gift we could never have foreseen when we parted so long ago. After living for thirty-five years without each other, sharing 500 square feet together feels perfectly comfortable for this cult of two.

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  1. Katie

    Lynne,
    I just finished your book & enjoyed it immensely! Right now we are parents to three teenagers, so selling it all isn’t possible, but your advice in the above blog post is definitely helpful. Thanks for writing that and for sharing your adventures in your book!

  2. Kemkem

    My hubby and l sold our stuff 16 months ago. A lot of the things in this post ring true..right down to him putting out the laundry. You really have to like each other to survive some of the crazy things that happen..

  3. Marti

    Loving your posts. We sold our home and possessions in June, living in rented condo while we plan our new life – Home Free. Depart for Europe Aug 31. Most of our locations will be in the U.S. after that as a way to see this great country and scout a future retirement location (a few years down the road!) Your book gave us the final “we can do this” to proceed!

  4. Julie Lidster

    Love the post! Reminds me of a late evening in Vienna, Austria. It’s late, it’s dark, no one on the streets. We got off the rail at the appointed stop. Where is our hotel? Trudging around the block with our suitcases and no apparent hotel. My resourceful husband says let’s ask in this corner pub and he finds one english speaking waiter who points out the hotel which has it’s sign hidden by a tree. Moral of the story, head to the pub!

  5. Katalin Michaels

    Lynne,

    Great post. Also, I just wanted to let you know that I’m enjoying your book and although I don’t know you, I’m genuinely so happy for all your success. God bless you and Tim on this adventure we call “life”!

  6. vicky

    Great article on your life together on the road. We have been travelling for 3.5 years also, just the two of us and I understand exactly what you are saying. Most people think we have a wonderful, carefree exciting life 24/7 but as you have mentioned there are many moments that are not so wonderful and can be testing on a relationship but would not change it for the world.

  7. Hilda Worthy

    Loved this! Learning to not take yourselves too seriously is the best lesson. Laughter can cure many ills is definitely another. Keep having a great time!

  8. Robyn D.

    Such good advice for a marriage in any stage!

  9. Holly

    Great picture of Tim and the laundry! This reminds me of a couple of pix I took on Santorini a few years ago: The first I took looking out over the caldera from our cliffside hotel, with a beautiful flowering cactus in the foreground and a cruise ship and volcano in the background – it would make a great magazine cover. Then I turned around and took a pic of the clothesline I had rigged up looping over the windows and doorway into our room, festooned with hand-washed T-shirts and shorts. I labeled that one – the slums of Santorini!

    Still loving your posts but sorry you’ll be gone from Paris before I arrive (Sept. 1).

    Best, Holly

  10. Mary Margaret

    Words of wisdom! I am usually the “emotive” one in the relationship. We both laughed at the “she who does not make the plan…” How true!
    Our house is on the market and first showing is tomorrow so it will be “home free” soon, thanks to you both. Keep on inspiring us all!

  11. Marie Wise-Miu

    Oh My Gosh! I let out a laugh when Tim found the key in his pocket! A sense of humor helps in all aspects of life, but I can see where your mutual trust, love and patience, along with that priceless sense of humor, do keep your adventure alive. In more ways than one. Thanks for sharing, Lynne. We look forward to the day when we can do the same! Until then, we will revel in your accounts.

  12. Trishia Jacobs

    SO loved this post!! Reminds me of the time my hubby and I were looking for a hotel north of Seattle at 2 in the morning during a Labor Day weekend. We had left our home on whim, ignoring the fact that it was a holiday weekend. We joked about whether being bed-less in Seattle would cure our desire for ‘spontaneity’. Ended up in the most adorable hotel with a magical 4-poster bed. Only got to sleep in it for half the night, but … 🙂

  13. Vonn Robinson

    Thanks for the update. Dallas is hot. We are in much need of raindrops. Enjoyed cool breeze in Seattle last week as I was there to work. Sounds like you are enjoying your adventures. I’ve recommended your book to many so wishing you continued success on sales.
    Keep emails, stories, and blogs coming. I look forward to them ! Safe travels to you both.

  14. Kristen W.

    What a lovely tribute to your marriage and a reminder to draw on one another’s strengths and kindnesses to carry on.